I've decided to update my blog with something very personal that's going on in my life right now. At first I thought it too personal to talk about, but talking about it makes me feel better so here it goes. Bruce and I have had a slight change of plans in the past week when I found out that I'm pregnant. If you know me well, you know that we were "done" having kids. After Oliver was born I decided to have an IUD placed. This was the most effective form of birth control without having to make the decision of being officially done at the age of 30. I didn't feel I was ready to make the desision at that age. Since the IUD would last for 7-10 years, we had a while to decide on something more permanant like a vasectomy. But in the past while we've known that we would for sure do something more permanent in our very near future. We are happy and very busy with our hands full of 4 boys. Then, after 4 1/2 years the IUD with an effectiveness rate of 99.4% failed us. Or, in the only other way I can explain it, God has other plans for us.
Between Tuesday afternoon when I took the first pregnancy test and Wednesday afternoon when I went to the doctor, I probably experienced the wildest emotional roller coaster of my life. Ofcourse I was terrified. How was I going to handle this? I work fulltime now. I carry our medical insurance. Where are we going to put a 5th child? These problems don't begin to describe the fears going on in my head. But I'm sure any mom out there would agree with me when I say I really only have the ability to be ticked off for about 5 minutes. And then I feel an overwhelming gratefulness that God had allowed me and Bruce to create another little person. Why? I didn't have a clue but it had happened and I felt blessed.
So on to the next stomach dropping lurch in the roller coaster. I had to go straight to the doctor to get this IUD removed, which has a pretty big chance of causing a miscarriage. But leaving it isn't a good plan either. So Wednesday morning, I took a second pregnancy test, and spent about 3 hours on the phone trying to find a doctor who would get me in THAT DAY, as a new patient, would do an ultrasound, remove the IUD, but also someone who took my insurance and dilevered at the hospitals that my insurance will cover. It wasn't an easy task but I found a wonderful women's center who squeezed me in. And when I showed up for my appointment, the scariest part of the roller coaster came along. The ultrasound technician checked to see if the IUD was still in place, which it was, and to the right of the IUD was the tiny little 5 week sack. Too early to see the actual baby yet, but still, a heartstopping pause in the ride. Next I saw the doctor, and during the exam he found that the IUD strings had gone too far up in my cervix and they weren't reachable. The only way to get the IUD out at that point was to do an abortion. So of course, the IUD stays...
The doctor didn't seem too concerned about leaving it. He said obviously this doesn't happen very often, but when it does happen, and the IUD has to be left, usually the baby is fine...usually. It does up my chances of a miscarriage, especially later on as the baby gets bigger. And there is always a chance that the IUD can break the water early. But his advice to me was to go about my business, to not walk on eggshells and try and relax. Easy for him to say, huh?
It's amazing though. One day you think your life is in one place. You think your done with the whole baby nonsense. You get to sleep through the night, hang out with friends, go on getaways with your husband. You have conversations like "I am SOOO glad my youngest starts school next year. If I were to get pregnant again I think you'd have to commit me." And the next day you get some news that changes everything and all you want in the world is for that tiny little 5 week sack to be ok, and to grow and be healthy, and to stay in there as long as possible even thought it has a little T-shaped device as a womb-mate. So we go about our business. And we don't walk on eggshells. And we pray. And we hope for the best. And we wait and see what God has in store for us.
To be continued...
Three months of Catch-Up
1 year ago